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Wednesday, June 6th, 2007

Time:11:11 am.
Everything has been so strange lately. Living with my aunt is getting better. Things with the boy are getting worse. I don't know if I'm messing things up for the sake of messing things up or if I'm messing things up because I know that it's over. I don't want it to be over, I'll put that out there right now. But being around a person who is ending her long-term relationship is probably not helping. I just want to be comforted by his hug right now. Bury my head into his chest and fall asleep in his arms.

What the hell is going on.
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Monday, March 26th, 2007

Time:7:57 pm.
I'm a triple major. 21 credits = death.

I have some choice words for people who think that a music major is easy.
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Saturday, January 20th, 2007

Time:10:35 am.
I'm done.
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Tuesday, January 2nd, 2007

Time:6:17 pm.
Over break, I have experimented with living alone. I don't see anyone for the entire day in my own house and I barely have any human contact. I am out now. I'm at a coffee shop because I need to know that other people are alive. I had to clear my throat to talk to the barista. I have decided that I can't live alone. Ever. I need roommates. I could possibly go crazy inside of my own head. I'd rather not take that chance.

Oh yea. Happy New Year! I've got some goals for the year. Nothing I'm willing to call a resolution though.

A guy just touched my toe and then sat down at my booth. It took him two seconds to realize that he touched the wrong person's toe.
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Sunday, December 10th, 2006

Time:12:59 am.
Don't you love it when the random setting in itunes knows exactly what you don't need to hear and then plays it?? I cried when Fix You started playing. I'm an emotional wreck! I don't know how I'm going to get through this last week. My mom got really upset when she realized that I'm actually a grown-up and that I have my own life. I told her that I'm only going to be in Milwaukee for about a week and a half and she got very upset. That's where my emotional train wreck started. No. I'm lying. It started a long time ago. I need to talk to someone. I need to get this all out. Everyone here is sick of it. I'm sick of being numb.
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Saturday, December 9th, 2006

Subject:Bored at work
Time:1:38 pm.
I've done 103+1/2 stupid things out of 144Collapse )
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Wednesday, December 6th, 2006

Time:11:45 pm.
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Tuesday, December 5th, 2006

Time:7:27 pm.
I've been feeling awful lately. I'm really good at fooling myself. I laugh at jokes and make my own. And I laugh sincerely, I really do. But when I'm not distracted by a conversation, even when there are so many people around me, I feel so alone. And it's not just because of the whole Tony situation. We were not right for eachother. At least he's not good for me. I'm convinced that if he would let me into his life, I would be good for him. Physically and intellectually, we are amazing together. Emotionally, not so much. He's so distant (very cliche sounding...I don't like it either) and I need someone who will hold it together when I need someone to be there for me. I know I can hold it together when someone is in need of me. I just want someone who will be able to do the same. Everything just seems to be about him that he just can't care about anything or anyone else. It really pisses me off actually. The world is always against him. But he doesn't reach out for help and when he does it's this half-assed, unsincere shit. "Everything will be better next semester." I'm telling myself that right now. I feel like it's different than when he says it though. At least I hope it is different because if it isn't, then there is no hope for me. I believe in hope. I'm letting go. Gradually. But it's hard. I keep telling myself that we aren't right for eachother. All signs point to that. But it's still hard. It's like I need to fix him in order to feel like any of this was worthwhile. And I know you can't help those who aren't willing to help themselves. And it makes me angry.
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Monday, November 13th, 2006

Time:12:17 am.
I love my school.

I was working at the box office, reading the last page of The Handmaid's Tale by Margaret Atwood (if you haven't read it yet, you are not my friend) and Rolf Samuels, the chair of the English department comes up to the window to buy tickets to see Rosencrantz and Guildenstern (amazingly funny). He noticed my book and asked me my opinion of it and after I told him that I had just finished it and that I loved it, he asked me what my major was. After I told him music performance he asked me if I ever thought of an English minor. I kind of cringed at the thought and told him that after the taste I have had from the English department, I didn't feel it was right for me. He asked me to explain and when I told him that my current lit teacher pronounced the literary term synecdoche like "si-nek-doe'-chay" instead of "si-nek'-duh-kee" like any intelligent person would, he looked very shocked. Then, because I didn't want to tell the head of the English department that his English professors are completely unfit, I told him that I did get some good feedback on my paper (a complete lie). He asked me why I was in the 100 classes and when I told him that the school wouldn't take my IB credit, he was once again taken aback. Then he asked me why I wasn't in the honors classes and I said, "Well, I didn't know about the honors program until this year so..." and he jumped in and said, "No, not so! You can join now. I'll send you an e-mail about applying. And think about that English minor." After he wrote down my name, he left. Ten minutes later, I get an e-mail with a list of classes I would need for a minor and an attachment with an application for the honors program. I was completely shocked. There might be something in being a number at a big school and having to climb from the bottom to get to know your professors and to make a name for yourself, but I completely appreciate going to a small school and having the teachers care so much about being challenged enough in just gen ed classes.

In other news, Wisconsin and I have broken up and Tony and I are on a break.
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Tuesday, November 7th, 2006

Time:5:06 pm.
"...remember that forgiveness too is a power. To beg for it is a power, and to withhold or bestow is a power, perhaps the greatest."

I'm sorry. I forgive you.
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Sunday, November 5th, 2006

Time:8:06 pm.
I feel like I'm floating. Or drowning. I'm not quite sure.
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Friday, October 20th, 2006

Time:4:22 pm.
I'm so stressed out that I am numb. I miss all of my friends from Milwaukee. I want to go home. Just kidding. I don't want to go home. I just don't want to be here. Or there. So I have no where to go...Would it be horribly unprofessional to drop every single one of my accompanying people before the big singing competition at Point? Yes...yes it would be. i can't accompany next year. With a half recital and my own shit to deal with in classes, I wouldn't have any time. I can barely put together the two pieces for this year. The fugue sucks ass. But it's getting better. I need an ego inflation right about now but I know I'm not going to get what I want from anyone around here. Not even Tony. He's not big on the complimenting. It kind of sucks. I don't understand Muczynski. Look him up if you don't know who he is. Hell, I don't even know who he is really. Which sucks because I'm playing a Toccata he wrote. No one has recorded it. Ever. Damn Muczynski. There's a pianist tonight performing all of Debussy's preludes from both books. I'm pretty pumped for that. Then tomorrow, I'm going to see the La Crosse Symphony perform the piano concerto no 4 by Mozart. That's cool too...it's not the same as Milwaukee, but it will do. I'm at work killing time right now. Nothing really to talk about I guess. But I will be rambling for about another half an hour. I hate my teeth. I've started noticing them more in my voice lessons. I hate my front teeth. They are they only ones that stick out and you can see my big gap. It sucks! And apparently everything sucks today because I've been using the word an awful lot. I'm playing in a wedding this saturday. It's a very strange wedding. They have a native american opening song, there's a lasso involved in the wedding, and i'm playing "when you say nothing at all" with a singer. And then they told me that I would have to perform the closing song, so I chose bartok. Ha. I rock.
Comments: Read 3 orAdd Your Own.

Tuesday, October 3rd, 2006

Time:4:44 pm.
So I decided that in order to stay awake today at work, that I was going to write a lot of random things down...and perhaps post them or something. I think about what the world would be like without me a lot. I think about what the world would be like if I were seriously injured. When I day dream, I think about the worst possible situations that could happen to people close to me. And sometimes I cry. I can only remember one dream from my entire life vividly. I don't want to repeat it. I love Tony. I sometimes think that I love him too much for my own good. Or his. I am in a musical rut. I have to break out of it if I want to have any chance to survive this semester. I firmly believe in the fortune telling powers of Oreo cookies.
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Saturday, September 23rd, 2006

Time:10:21 am.
What if all of this isn't working out as well as I wanted it to? What if I just stop everything because of this thought...
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Monday, August 28th, 2006

Time:9:35 pm.
After the first day of school I'm still kind of in some sort of funk. I don't know what it is. It's just that every time I try to get excited about something, it doesn't last long. Well I guess I shouldn't say that. I'm very excited about my new fabric softener. I know. Dorky, but very true. Because my sheets were washed with it, I smell like it. I like smelling like jasmine and rose. It makes me happy. I'm walking every morning now. It's a good thing. I'm going to keep doing that and maybe work out every once in a while in the Mathy Center. "20# by Feb" is written on my mirror. I like it a lot. My boyfriend is being paid big money to wear the same shirt for 30 days. I don't like that a lot. I can't get myself motivated to practice which is why I'm online right now. Hopefully studio and my lesson tomorrow will remedy this. I must be off to another pointless website where I will find no solace for my funkiness. At least I smell good though.
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Tuesday, August 8th, 2006

Time:10:09 pm.
Mood:I don't know yet.
I'm in a bad funk. It started on Sunday and I can't get out of it. I want a good hug or a really nice talk. Or both. I need money. I hate driving. I need to practice all day tomorrow if I want to get this fucking fugue ready for lessons. I'm starting an independent self-change project and I think that's why I'm in the funk. I cannot and will not use anything that I used to comfort myself with. I'm giving up drinking and smoking and over-eating. I'm done with the person I've become. It's time to start a new chapter. I always wonder if new chapters start every day or every year. When does the fresh page start? I'm starting now.
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Wednesday, July 12th, 2006

Time:10:52 pm.
How many people actually take the time to read what I write in three a day? I'm just curious. I'll sum up for those who don't:

I'm not the same person I was a two years ago. Not even the same person a year ago. And it's weird.
My priorities are fucked up.
Mundane entries are fun too...I guess.
Tony left yesterday night. We had a great beginning of the week. I can't wait until August when the time between goodbyes is shorter.
Comments: Read 2 orAdd Your Own.

Wednesday, July 5th, 2006

Time:9:17 pm.
I made a post in three_a_day. Tomorrow is my birthday. Call me if you want to celebrate with me, I have no plans.
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Wednesday, May 24th, 2006

Time:4:01 pm.
I'm going crazy here. I don't know what to say to anyone anymore. The guy I liked finally said that he liked me at the worst time. I'm starting to like someone emotionally unavailable and I've only dated jackasses in the past. I attract unavailable, emotionally unavailable and jackass men. Where's my good guy?

But tomorrow I leave for Venice and it will be beautiful. I will enjoy myself no matter what. This reminds me of Dane Cook. Fuck girls man. I just want to dance! Except that it's fuck guys and I don't want to see another bar for a very long time. But besides all the inside drama, the group gets along soooo well and I'm having a blast. I have seen so many amazing things and met so many amazing people already and the trip is only half-way through.

EVA! I WISH with all of my heart that I could come see your performance of Rhapsody in Blue! There was a guy that came to Viterbo and when he played Rhapsody in Blue with the La Crosse Symphony, I thought of you!! Break a nail!!! (<-a little joke from the music department!!)

A belated birthday shout-out to Miranda. Mucho love!
Comments: Read 5 orAdd Your Own.

Time:11:39 am.
I am in Europe and I have 7 minutes to update. There is so much to say. Well so far, I have been to Vienna, Salzburg, and a lot of little towns in Austria. The concerts have been amazing so far. I ate dinner with an awesome host family who owned their own vineyard. I got told by a guy that I liked first semester that he liked me and is starting to have feelings for me again. By the way, he has a girlfriend. I slept in a bed with 6 amazing people yesterday night, one who just broke up with his girlfriend and who I was cuddling/spooning with. I have hiked up to 3 different castles, all of which were amazing and the one that I hiked up today was absolutely breathtaking. I have never had my breath taken away by anything but seeing the Alps from the highest point in Salzburg was....there are no words. I hate words. I learned how to play Yuker (I don't know how to spell it. I kissed an Austrian man while completely wasted. Bought alcohol for the first time. Danced on a pole for the first time. I'm also beginning to hate myself.

I love Europe.
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LiveJournal for Kat.

View:User Info.
You're looking at the latest 20 entries. Missed some entries? Then simply jump back 20 entries.